March 29, 2010
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PERFECT NO MORE
Do you have a picture of how life should be?

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.”
John 10:10 (NASB)

As the first-born male of either side of the family and born to a set of parents who both came from very dysfunctional homes, my thoughts about what makes a good family were somewhat distorted.  As I matured into adulthood, I thought about what a “good life” should look like: a good marriage, a good family, a good home, a good job, and some nice toys. Then, based upon my upbringing, I believed that this is what I had to do to make it good…perfect is more like it. 

It makes me shudder to think back on all of that.  For most of my life I was a slave to perfectionism, to idealism, to lists, and to my desperate search for what the world defined as success. I found “safety” in following rules…and holding others to them. I found comfort in being the best, the top dog, and the high achiever.

I needed more education and degrees, a position of responsibility and authority, more recognition and awards, and finally more and bigger fish and game.  I feared that chaos was the doorway to pain, suffering, and destruction… everything that hurt. My “picture” of perfect guaranteed peace, comfort, and acceptance.

Most often I enjoyed getting ready for occasions more than actually spending time with company. It’s embarrassing to admit, but I can actually remember thinking, “I wish they’d hurry up and leave so I can get my boat, car, house, or stuff in order.” It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy people; I just enjoyed a nice neat life more.

My favorite days were when I had a good (successful) day at work, the kids behaved themselves, my wife and I didn’t have a disagreement, I had a weekend of fishing planned, and all my stuff was polished up and ready to go.  Everything was as it should be… But even then I couldn’t relax or play.  I actually had to schedule fun things to do with my kids on the calendar, to make sure we had fun.

I could play games, read books or do projects, but to just hang out with my wife or the kids at times seemed difficult. I had to be doing something, making something better, working towards some end.  So much of my childhood was measured by accomplishments and success that all this just seemed natural.  Driven by a solid work-ethic and visions of being famous some day, I couldn’t afford to let up.

If you’d have accused me of being a perfectionist, I’d have been deeply offended and given you a well-organized list of justifications for everything I ever did. You see, I thought deeply about everything.  I believed that everything I did had to have a purpose…and that it had to be done well. I was super at multi-tasking, organized to the hilt, and had an answer for just about everything.

I carried a huge briefcase with everything I might ever need…just in case.  I was punctual, pleasant, and prepared. I was a good husband, a good father, a dedicated friend, and a son who honored his parents. I remembered birthdays and anniversaries.  I paid all the bills on time, didn’t cheat on my taxes, voted Republican, let others go first, and tried to live by the golden rule.  I was very critical of myself, wanting to be a “Billboard for Jesus.” I worked so hard to have it all together that I completely burned myself out.  And thank goodness.

The stress of trying to pull off “the picture” of life I’d imagined was more than my body and mind could handle.   I battled depression, sudden bouts of anxiety, and eventually even panic attacks. I was a mess…and I knew it.  So, I prayed and prayed, read lots of books and tried harder.  I developed lots of unhealthy strategies, created little formulas to live by, and became manipulative…trying to make things good, keep things good, or make things better.  And I’d go to bed at night feeling so guilty and so empty.  What had I really done that day?  Did my kids even know I loved them?

I thought being a perfectionist meant you thought you were perfect.  I knew I wasn’t perfect!  I didn’t expect others to be perfect; I just really believed there was a “best way” to do things, and I actually thought people would appreciate my insights and critiques. Eventually “the picture” fell apart.  Life became completely unmanageable. I was exhausted and disgusted with everyone in the picture…especially myself. I gave up. 

I walked into a counselor’s office and said, “I give up.”  I had no plan, no strategies, no formulas, no picture.  I had no hope. I had been a Christian since I was thirteen, growing more and more in my understanding and love for God through the years, but somehow I’d missed a big chunk of the Good News – it was called GRACE.

Jesus came to save the lost, to heal us and to set us free so that we might receive his grace and live abundantly. I knew how to live obediently, but abundantly?  I didn’t even know what that word meant. Sure, I’d let Him save me for eternity, but I’d never really understood that He wanted to save me from this world, too…and from myself. I was too busy trying to create my own “heaven on earth”, that I hadn’t really taken the time to get to know Jesus.  I knew all about Him, had lots of biblical knowledge, even went to seminary, and had experienced His miracles, but I didn’t really know Him.

As I pursued a real relationship with Him, His love overwhelmed me. I began to let go and truly live.  Instead of putting my hope in a better life, I eagerly looked forward to an eternal life with Jesus. I learned that perfectionists don’t look for perfection; they look for the one thing that’s wrong, so they can fix it. I stopped trying to fix things and let Jesus fix my heart.  I learned that there are many ways to do things, that efficiency never supersedes love and patience, and people are more important than tasks.  I mean I learned it deep down in my heart where it counts.  Jesus changed my life! 

I began to feel that family and friends could now trust me not to be critical or controlling.  Some still want to carry the old pictures of me in their emotional wallets, but most people saw the change God brought into my heart.

Most importantly, it changed how I would present God to others.  God gave me a compassionate heart, a heart to really pastor others, a willingness to be transparent and honest about feelings, and a desire to love people with the gifts He had given me.  Yes, there are those who can’t handle my transparency and feelings, but I will continue to be who I am in Christ Jesus.

I still battle the perfectionism, but at least I’m fighting the right thing now, and I’m depending on God to see me through.  I have a very strong sense of what life should be like, but the Holy Spirit is like a filter, helping me to discern whether it’s based on God’s wisdom or just my own comfort. When I feel the anxiety bubble up I have to ask God for His perspective. I continue to fight over-scheduling and pleasing others, allowing time to just “Be still and know God” Ps. 46:10. I wake up occasionally with a picture of the day in mind, but I usually choose to give it back to God and be curious.  Calendars and lists may assist me, but they don’t rule over me anymore.  I love people and I love Jesus.

Perfectionism was like a disease in my life—a disease of the heart.  I don’t know if I’ll always struggle with it, but I’m so grateful for a God who sees my flaws, understands my heart and loves me anyway.  I’m so grateful for a God who came to save me…even from myself! 

The Power of Truth:

“If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would be of no value whatsoever.” 1 Cor. 13:3

“The Lord says: ‘These people come near to me with their mouth
and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me.
Their worship of me is made up only of rules taught by men.’” Isa. 29:13

“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” John 8:36

Suggestion for Prayer:

If you are enslaved to your own perspective on a life of perfection, give up.  Ask Jesus to set you free.