February 2010
Church Spotlight - Insight into a confidential Interview – Part Two
Last month we printed part one of an interview where the leader requested that his name and church not be printed. This leader wanted to ‘talk turkey’ and wanted to be careful that he didn’t inadvertently cause any of his men cause for alarm. For part one, see January’s Newsletter. Here is the rest of the interview.
MMC: What do you see your men dealing with?
Greg: Pick a topic. I mean any topic. Porn and general male lust is near the top. Nearly every guy I talk to is married and still deals with lust. Some have emotional affairs going on at work, some have physical affairs. They love their wives and kids, but still struggle and don’t understand why they need more.
Another area is the incessant need to produce. Many men feel that they are just a ‘provider’ for their wives and families and don’t feel like their wives really know who they are at the core. Actually, their wives don’t and the men are afraid to discuss it with their wives because of the conflict and guilting that they get. Women don’t understand that men need a sense of mission-of adventure-in life, and when they get domesticated (if I can use that term), their wives wonder why they aren’t any fun anymore. They’ve been castrated by our society and are taught to be ‘good little boys’ and be responsible. So they act responsible on the outside and lead double lives. I meet many men who just feel like running away from their jobs, families, and church. And the church is as guilty as their jobs when it comes to making men feel that they need to perform. We’ve lost the ability-or really don’t want the responsibility-to reach out to men and give them permission to be who God made them to be. We’re more interested in them doing and acting in a manner that is socially-from a Christian perspective-acceptable. So men feel trapped by their jobs, families, and the church. It’s a shame.
MMC: How about the guys that really like their work?
Greg: Those guys are lucky in the sense that they have made their career their mistress. Its more fun for them than their real marriage because they aren’t brow-beaten by their career. It’s amazing what a man will do for someone or something that seems to accept them for who they really are. Some men have gotten themselves into illicit relationships, thinking that ‘she understands,’ only to find that he now has two women who are expecting him to perform for them! I read in a book recently a great quote that illustrates how many guys feel (on the inside) about their marriages. “It’s an amazing thing when one comes to the realization that the guy they just finished crucifying isn’t Jesus.”
MMC: It must be tiring-and scary- to carry men’s secrets around in your head.
Greg: It is. Every time I look at a guy in the eye, he’s wondering if I have told on him. Trust is the key. They have to be reminded over and over again that I’m safe. I have to be careful of my own attitudes, that I don’t convey a judgmental attitude, superiority, or shock. It would kill the relationship.
MMC: What do you suggest-or recommend-to the rest of us who are trying to create a men’s ministry that actually gets to the heart of men?
Greg: I’m incriminating myself here, but here goes. A man will climb mountains and swim an ocean to find a group of guys that will honestly love him for who he really is-warts and all. Be Jesus to him. It can’t be done in large groups and you can’t ‘tell’ a group of guys at a table to share ‘authentically.’ It doesn’t work. They’ll make things up just to look good. More performing. Guys need to not be required to perform. My guys don’t respond to ‘successful’ Christian guys sharing their testimonies. I have noticed that when a regular guy gets up and shares his struggles-which, by the way, is rare-guys are sitting on the edge of their seats. Misery really does love company, but more than that, guys need to see that every one of us is fallible. Grace needs to be the main thing, not Christian performance. Guys need to see that the reason Jesus came is not to make them better performers, but that we are all screwed-up, and will continue to do it, and that He has paid the price for it all. If men’s ministries can get that message across and model it from up front, offer the opportunity to get into small groups where men can share their struggles without having someone try to ‘fix’ them, then they have a shot at getting to their hearts.
Interesting stuff for leaders of men’s ministries. Is it possible that by trying to create an image of what a successful Christian man looks like, that we could indeed be shooting ourselves in the foot? Something to think about..
Read the other articles in this issue:
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