March 2008
Understanding Men by David Murrow 
(excerpts from the book "Why Men Hate Going to Church")
Adjusting the Thermostat - Part 2
Every church has a spiritual thermostat. Where it is set will determine whether that body attracts or repels men. We'll continue this month describing the other three settings: control, confrontation, and challenge.
Thermostat Set on Control
The polar opposite of challenge is control. Churches exert two kinds of control:
Feminine control: These churches control their people through guilt. Men who grew up in church often level this complaint. "They were constantly sending me on a guilt trip," said Jerry. "After every service I felt beat up, like I was wicked and evil."
Masculine control: The pastor or his inner circle controls everything. There are rules, rules, and more rules. Words such as authority and submission are tossed about. It is a toxic environment for men because they despise being controlled.
Thermostat Set on Confrontation
Now we're getting close. Jesus used confrontation a lot. But some churches go beyond Jesus' example and hammer their parishioners with a weekly broadsheet of sins they need to avoid. Right doctrine and theology are of paramount importance - our church is right; everyone else is going to hell. It's us versus a world of sinners.
There are times when confrontation is good and necessary. But confrontation should be done one-on-one or in a small group of close friends, not from the pulpit. And it must be done in love, by people who really know the one being confronted. Rod Cooper points out: "confrontation without commitment leads to destruction."
Thermostat Set on Challenge
Nestled between confrontation and comfort is the sweet spot for men. A church that challenges its members without overconfronting or overcomforting will attract guys. But this is rare.
What are the marks of a challenging church? It casts a specific vision of greatness before its people. Ministry is constantly pushed outward into the world. Challenging churches are constantly raising up leaders to foster a culture of person-to-person challenge. It's a little bit comforting and a little bit confronting.
How is it comforting? A challenging church is loving with people, providing consolation during times of sorrow. It stresses God's grace, not His anger. It does not coerce people or make them feel guilty, but always invites people to join the adventure.
How is it confronting? Teaching is direct and to the point. Leaders set high standards and ask much of the congregation. Christians are expected to live exemplary lives, but teachers do not nag people or focus too much on specific sins, depending instead on the Holy Spirt to convict and correct.
Make things too comfortable for a man, and he'll lose interest. Try to control a man and he'll rebel. Overconfront him, and he'll resent you as a nag. But challenge him the way Jesus challenged the disciples and he will grow. A church that challenges its members is a church where men can thrive.
Challenge: Not Just from Pastors
Of course, pastors must offer challenging sermons, but this is not enough. If we are serious about reaching men, laypeople must foster a culture of person-to-person challenge. Two scriptures come to mind:
"As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17
"Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds." Hebrews 10:24
Challenge can't come just from the pulpit. A properly set thermostat requires Christians to challenge each other. But this is rare in church today. Why are we so reluctant to challenge each other, as the Bible prescribes? It's considered rude. Let's say a man you barely knew approached you at church and said, "Do you have any unconfessed sin in your life?" You'd probably be offended, and rightly so. But let's say you heard the same question from a trusted friend who'd agreed to hold you accountable. Such probing is not offensive; it's the key to spiritual growth!
How do we create a culture of challenge and create rich relationships where people feel free to challenge each other? It's time to rediscover discipleship. A simple definition: discipleship is people leading each other to maturity in Christ. It's one person sharpening another. It's a band of brothers spurring each other on toward love and good deeds. It is the model left us by Jesus.
The Modern Church Has Abandoned the Discipleship Model
Today's evangelical church has discarded the discipleship model in favor of an academic model. Instead of discipling people, we teach them. We put people in classrooms and present them with Bible knowledge. We offer a weekly lecture (sermon) from an educated person with a seminary degree. Christianity is something that happens inside your mind.
We cannot expect men to come to maturity in Christ in a classroom environment. Although they can help, thse academic exercises cannot penetrate to the hidden places in a man's heart. But discipleship can, because it's teaching by example. Men are changed by what they experience, not necessarily by what they are told.
Discipleship in the local church takes may forms. It may be a small group with a regular meeting time, or a one-to-one between believers over coffee at Denny's. The common denominator: it's not one smart person imparting knowledge to the masses; it's one follower helping another. Or it's a band of believers sharing their lives and following Jesus as a team.
Read the other articles in this issue:
|
