September 2009
Understanding Manhood: Man’s Meaning and Purpose
(excerpts from "The Ultimate Men’s Ministry Encyclopedia" by Jim Grassi )
After only a few months as the leader of his church’s men’s ministry, he felt like quitting. The excitement he felt when he took the job very quickly degenerated into a feeling of failure. That’s what he called himself-a failure. There were over 200 men in his church but he couldn’t seem to get more than a handful to attend the meetings or events he planned. He had only a couple of guys willing to help him, and they weren’t that dependable. He couldn’t understand it, and he thought it was because he wasn’t half the leader he thought he might be. His question was, “What is it about guys that, unlike the women in my church, just don’t seem to care about this stuff?!?”
The Success Syndrome
Jim Grassi, in his landmark work on developing vibrant men’s ministries (The Ultimate Men’s Ministry Encyclopedia) states: “By their nature, most men see themselves as protectors, providers, leaders, and warriors.” He goes on to say that men typically avoid involving themselves in any activity that presents even the slightest potential for failure. That’s because men tend to measure life by how ‘successful’ they are. And, in many cases, being successful means steering clear of failure. The solution? “Knowing that God values,” he goes on to say, “significance over success.” There is tremendous freedom in knowing that because of Christ, men’s failures can be forgiven and God chooses to remember them no more.
The need to measure up
That’s something that we often wish God had tattooed in the front of our brains because it’s one of the hardest things for men to remember as they go from being boys to men. Since childhood, men, to one degree or another, have struggled with the feeling of “Why can’t I measure up?” That, according to John Eldridge, author of Wild at heart, is the question that haunts every man. Thoreau wrote, “The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.”
Behind the facade
Psychologists have known for years that this feeling stems from a feeling of shame-the shame of feeling that they never quite measure up to what life requires of them-their careers, their wives, their children, their parents, and ultimately….themselves. That’s a major reason that men seek to be seen as successful, even if they have to pretend that they’re successful-when they know in their hearts that they aren’t. It’s very, very tiring. No wonder they hesitate to invest themselves in anything that might reveal their true selves.
God’s Solution: A new creation
God’s solution to shame seems too simple to be true, but His solution to the dilemma of man’s incessant need to perform, appear successful, and measure up to some unseen standard is knowing who they truly are, now that they have met Christ. The truth is that the life of the Christian male is a process of learning to live consistently with who we already are in Christ. A man who is in Christ has become someone he was not before. Sometimes it’s a lifelong process to forgive ourselves as Christ has and just live the life He has meant us to live.
What this means for Men’s Ministry
The more we plan events, talks and activities that profile success rather than significance, the more we unknowingly support this shame-based, performance-driven need for a man to measure up in life. Ever think about that? If we use performance as the standard (as the world does) of success as a Christian, then we may be working against the very thing that Jesus is trying to get us to be-authentic and transparent with each other. Jesus, in the eyes of his world, was a colossal failure. But His significance throughout the ages has never been questioned. More on this in next month’s article on “The Traits of Driven Men.”
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