October 2007
Understanding Men by David Murrow 
(excerpts from the book "Why Men Hate Going to Church")
Men are Afraid...Very Afraid - Part 2
Remember from last month that men and women fear different things. In this article I'll continue to identify things men fear and show you what an individual Christian can do to help the men who show up on Sunday.
Men Fear Their Children are Being Brainwashed
While most men welcome the moral instruction that the church provides children, some men are openly hostile to it. British pastor Michael Fanstone notes that "many unbelieving husbands have a serious fear that someone will indoctrinate their children - either their mother at home, or others at church." Other fathers fear the church will make their boys weaklings or wimps.
The key here is openness and communication with parents. Teachers, let men know what you're teaching their kids. Invite them to sit in. Show them you have nothing to hide, and their fears will subside.
Single Men Feel Targeted for Marriage
The apostle Paul was clear that singlenss is a noble status for a Christian, but the modern church didn't get that memo. Many a churchgoer sees singleness as a disease, and baby, we've got the cure!
Single men from ages eighteen to thirty-five are the demographic group least likely to attend church, so when such a man shows up for church, he may feel out of place. Or he may feel like a deer in the gun sights: a target of the many marriage-minded single women of the congregation. My churchgoing, single male friends tell me there's constant, subtle pressure on them to settle down and get married. This may be one reason single men prefer large churches; they are less likely ato be hounded about their marital status.
We can help single men by accepting them as they are. Please, resist the urge to play matchmaker.
Men May Fear They Must Become Superhusbands
Christian men are supposed to be magnificent husbands. Kevin Leman observes, "Not only are men supposed to attend morning Bible studies, but they're also supposed to get home in time for dinner, spend time alone with each child, date their wives once a week, and earn enough money so that their wives can stay home with their young children. This is a heavy load, and some Christian men start to resent it." Rather than deal with these crushing expectations, a man may just drop out of church.
Husbands May Become Jealous of Christ or the Church
When a woman "falls in love with Jesus", her husband may panic. Linda Davis writes, "All he knows is that she's in love with someone else, and he is jealous. Instead of remaining the first priority in her life....he has suddenly been demoted to number two after God...It would be easier for him to understand if she had run off with another man, but she's in love with someone he can't even compete with. He feels helpless."
Today's American man typically has just one friend: his wife. When Jesus enters the picture, she's suddenly best friends with someone else. Men feel rejected, so they fight back the only way they know how: by refusing to have anything to do with church.
Women readers, ifyou imagine your relationship with Jesus as a rapturous love affair, I must warn you: you are on dangerous ground for two reasons:
- You are not the bride of Christ. According to the Bible, there is only one bride of Christ: the church (collectively all believers throughout space and time)
- Your husband will never measure up to your fantasy. He cannot satisfy you if you harbor an image of Christ as your lover or husband.
Whereas some women are in love with Jesus and want to spend all their time at His feet (the Mary syndrome), other women just want to be busy for God (the Martha syndrome). Marthas are in love with the church.
Written by Gina, David's wife: Women, if you are pouring your heart into the church because it gives you affirmation your husband fails to provide, I feel for you. But neither church nor Jesus is meant as a substitute husband. As David said earlier, you are on dangerous ground. You are giving your husband a perfect excuse to hate the church: it gets the time and affection that are rightfully his.
Men Fear Homosexuality in the Church
Men are less accepting of homosexuality than women are. Men are threatened by it in a way that women are not. We've already seen how churchgoing men are less masculine than average. If a man walks into a church and finds himself surrounded by passive or sensitive men, he may become suspicious. Then there's hand holding. This can be awkward for men. And certain churches are hug-rich environments. A lot of man-to-man hugging can stir up fears of homosexuality.
The news media are making things worse. When you hear a report about the church these days, it's usually about gays. So whether you favor gay rights or not, it's easy to see the corrosive effect that all of this attention to gay issues is having on men's church participation. We've given fathers the perfect excuse to abandon Christianity: they are shielding their sons from possible sexual abuse.
Men Are Afraid of Heaven
Let's end on a lighter note. Popular notions of heaven strike fear into men's hearts. What man wants to spend eternity wearing a white robe, floating on clouds, plucking a harp? Men fear heaven because it sounds so dull. No challenge. No uncertainty. No fun.
Men, regarding heaven, there's hope in the parable of the talents. Remember the words of the Master: "Well done, good and faithful servant; you were faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things. Enter into the joy of your lord." (Matt. 25:21). This passage implies, at least, there will be something to do in heaven besides singing. As a man, let me tell you, that's really good news!
Read the other articles in this issue:
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